it's been a long time

so i used to have a big problem with self mutilation and/or self harm. the reason i mention both is because i've hurt myself without disfiguring my body. when i was in college in the ending of my freshman year i began cutting. i had cut a little in high school but not till spring term of 2004 did i really start cutting bad. it was to the point where i had a ritual. i have tons maybe hundreds of little scars on my left arm. (which i want to cover with a half sleeve tattoo but that is a whole other thing i am trying to convince myself NOT to do.) there are a few that are obvious but most you won't see unless you look closely. i know that they are there and i see them plain as day. this part of my i understand much better than my SSA (Same Sex Attraction. i just realized that i never said what that was.) there are many things that can possibly drive people to hurt them selves but the one that i identify most with is the issue of being in control. the cutter sees the act as something that they are omnipotent over. they can say when it starts and when it stops and how longs it will last and what it will be done with and how fast it will be done and where.
i wanted to cut today. i have not cut in years and today that didn't matter. i was going to throw all that time away because i couldn't cope. there are many things that are in my head right now and they all just seemed to be demanding my attention today.

i'm trying to save money but can't seem to get ahead
i want to see my girlfriend but don't realy have extra money to go see her
i'm trying to go back to counseling through my branch president so i don't fully crack and i can't even get a contact number
i'm struggling with my spirituality
my few friendships here on maui are becoming difficult
i feel like there is a huge gap between me and my parents now that they know i'm bi
i am struggling to find a better job and i feel like i am totally wasting my degree.
i'm supposed to teach fourth sundays but can't even take the sacrament right now
i've never gotten the lesson to teach more than like 5 days in advance and got tomorrow's lesson 2 days ago
i've become depressed since coming home and have gained 20 lbs and am not happy with my body.(but who is right?)
i have no friends here that i hang out with outside of work and anything that i do i usually do alone.


so yeah there are some things that were on my mind to day. i felt like they were all just swirling together in my head and there was little i could do to change it. i felt like things were out of control so i thought about cutting. i've not felt this bad in a long ass time. it was scary. the worst part was that i was at work and had to talk to the tourist. i have never been so grateful for all the stupid questions. at least i didn't have to think to hard.

main thing is i didn't. i sat in my room and just cried.