so i used to have a big problem with self mutilation and/or self harm. the reason i mention both is because i've hurt myself without disfiguring my body. when i was in college in the ending of my freshman year i began cutting. i had cut a little in high school but not till spring term of 2004 did i really start cutting bad. it was to the point where i had a ritual. i have tons maybe hundreds of little scars on my left arm. (which i want to cover with a half sleeve tattoo but that is a whole other thing i am trying to convince myself NOT to do.) there are a few that are obvious but most you won't see unless you look closely. i know that they are there and i see them plain as day. this part of my i understand much better than my SSA (Same Sex Attraction. i just realized that i never said what that was.) there are many things that can possibly drive people to hurt them selves but the one that i identify most with is the issue of being in control. the cutter sees the act as something that they are omnipotent over. they can say when it starts and when it stops and how longs it will last and what it will be done with and how fast it will be done and where.
i wanted to cut today. i have not cut in years and today that didn't matter. i was going to throw all that time away because i couldn't cope. there are many things that are in my head right now and they all just seemed to be demanding my attention today.
i'm trying to save money but can't seem to get ahead
i want to see my girlfriend but don't realy have extra money to go see her
i'm trying to go back to counseling through my branch president so i don't fully crack and i can't even get a contact number
i'm struggling with my spirituality
my few friendships here on maui are becoming difficult
i feel like there is a huge gap between me and my parents now that they know i'm bi
i am struggling to find a better job and i feel like i am totally wasting my degree.
i'm supposed to teach fourth sundays but can't even take the sacrament right now
i've never gotten the lesson to teach more than like 5 days in advance and got tomorrow's lesson 2 days ago
i've become depressed since coming home and have gained 20 lbs and am not happy with my body.(but who is right?)
i have no friends here that i hang out with outside of work and anything that i do i usually do alone.
so yeah there are some things that were on my mind to day. i felt like they were all just swirling together in my head and there was little i could do to change it. i felt like things were out of control so i thought about cutting. i've not felt this bad in a long ass time. it was scary. the worst part was that i was at work and had to talk to the tourist. i have never been so grateful for all the stupid questions. at least i didn't have to think to hard.
main thing is i didn't. i sat in my room and just cried.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
so i've found an article that explains the difference between why guys experience SSA and why girls do.
this is so terribly true for me. many of the girls i have been attracted to have a need that i feel i can fill. it's like i understand a major part of their lives that most people just don't get or that i think i can treat them better than the significant other before me. or because i'm more masculine that i can be chivalrous or something like that.
there is something that comes to mind that i have felt i was deprived of and have found in my "girlfriends" growing up my family was and still isn't very touchy feely. in fact they are not at all. sometimes i would just hug my mom and she would think that there was something i wanted. or i would hug my dad and he would ask me what's wrong. i used to have a HUGE personal bubble before going to college. and it was quickly broken down by my circle of friends that i found there. coming home was always hard after a while because i wouldn't have a whole lot of physical touch like i was used to.
it's not that it was that a girl would be physically close to me that would start the attraction but that girls just seem like the only ones that would be. i always manage to be "the friend" when it came to guys. no guy wants a girlfriend that is "one of the boys" .....
the physical part is not the only "need" i would fill with my attraction to girls. this next thing is much more important to me than anything physical. i have fully been attracted to girls that have not become physically comfortable with me. i like to talk about things in depth and analyze things to a ridiculous level sometimes and i rarely find guys that i can really connect to on that level that aren't 1. gay or 2. taken. and if they aren't gay or taken i manage to become the friend... and then they call me to help change a tire or to borrow a pair of pliers.
i've become disinterested in girls because of the lack of my kind of conversation too.
While many of the developmental problems associated with SSA and homosexuality are similar in both men and women, the actual sexual dynamics are not. Their issues separate when sexual motivations and desires begin to become a part of interpersonal relationships (usually around puberty.) Expression of sexuality is determined by the basic differences in the sexual drives of men and women. Males who struggle with SSA are generally motivated and attracted by physical attributes and/or immediate excitement and physical gratification. Women, on the other hand, are usually attracted by a need to nurture or be nurtured. Women can become involved in a relationship, in which SSA becomes apparent, when she perceives an unfulfilled need in another woman, or sees another woman as someone who can fulfill her own needs for nurturing. (http://evergreeninternational.org/female_ssa.htm)
this is so terribly true for me. many of the girls i have been attracted to have a need that i feel i can fill. it's like i understand a major part of their lives that most people just don't get or that i think i can treat them better than the significant other before me. or because i'm more masculine that i can be chivalrous or something like that.
there is something that comes to mind that i have felt i was deprived of and have found in my "girlfriends" growing up my family was and still isn't very touchy feely. in fact they are not at all. sometimes i would just hug my mom and she would think that there was something i wanted. or i would hug my dad and he would ask me what's wrong. i used to have a HUGE personal bubble before going to college. and it was quickly broken down by my circle of friends that i found there. coming home was always hard after a while because i wouldn't have a whole lot of physical touch like i was used to.
it's not that it was that a girl would be physically close to me that would start the attraction but that girls just seem like the only ones that would be. i always manage to be "the friend" when it came to guys. no guy wants a girlfriend that is "one of the boys" .....
the physical part is not the only "need" i would fill with my attraction to girls. this next thing is much more important to me than anything physical. i have fully been attracted to girls that have not become physically comfortable with me. i like to talk about things in depth and analyze things to a ridiculous level sometimes and i rarely find guys that i can really connect to on that level that aren't 1. gay or 2. taken. and if they aren't gay or taken i manage to become the friend... and then they call me to help change a tire or to borrow a pair of pliers.
i've become disinterested in girls because of the lack of my kind of conversation too.
Monday, January 21, 2008
origins
so this will be the idk what number blog i've started but here i go.
i recently came out to my parents about being bisexual. i don't know how i really feel about it just yet, and i am in the process of doing a little research about SSA and homosexuality and how it relates to me and my current place in life. blah blah blah in short i'm trying to understand myself. SSA and homosexuality is not the only thing i'l talk about here. there are a number of other things that i am going through or have gone through and more than likely i'll talk about too. all i ask is that you don't judge me.
i recently came out to my parents about being bisexual. i don't know how i really feel about it just yet, and i am in the process of doing a little research about SSA and homosexuality and how it relates to me and my current place in life. blah blah blah in short i'm trying to understand myself. SSA and homosexuality is not the only thing i'l talk about here. there are a number of other things that i am going through or have gone through and more than likely i'll talk about too. all i ask is that you don't judge me.
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