Wednesday, February 6, 2008

it's been that kind of day

i was dangerously close to cutting tonight... just a bad day/mood/life. idk. so i did some reading to try to curve the feeling. here is what i found. it almost made me cut more....



What is self-injury?

It's called many things -- self-inflicted violence, self-injury, self-harm, parasuicide, delicate cutting, self-abuse, self-mutilation (this last particularly seems to annoy people who self-injure).

Broadly speaking, self-injury is the act of attempting to alter a mood state by inflicting physical harm serious enough to cause tissue damage to one's body.

Approximately 4% of the United States population uses physical self-injury as a way of dealing with overwhelming feelings or situations, often using it to speak when no words will come.

What is self-injurious behavior?

The forms and severity of self-injury can vary, although the most commonly seen behavior is cutting, burning, and head-banging.

Other forms of self-injurious behavior include:

  • carving

  • scratching

  • branding

  • marking

  • burning/abrasions

  • biting

  • bruising

  • hitting

  • picking/pulling skin and hair

It's not self-injury if the primary purpose is:

  • sexual gratification

  • body decoration (e.g., body piercing, tattooing)

  • spiritual enlightenment via ritual

  • fitting in or being cool

Why Do Teens Self-Injure?

Teens who have difficulty talking about their feelings may show their emotional tension, physical discomfort, pain and low self-esteem with self-injurious behaviors. Although they may feel like the "steam" in the "pressure cooker" has been released following the act of hurting themselves, teenagers may also feel hurt, anger, fear and hate.

Most teens who self-injure go to great lengths to hide their wounds and scars. Many consider their self-harm to be a deeply shameful secret and dread the consequences of discovery.

Why does self-injury make some people feel better?

  • It reduces physiological and psychological tension rapidly.
    Studies have suggested that when people who self-injure get emotionally overwhelmed, an act of self-harm brings their levels of psychological and physiological tension and arousal back to a bearable baseline level almost immediately. In other words, they feel a strong uncomfortable emotion, don't know how to handle it (indeed, often do not have a name for it), and know that hurting themselves will reduce the emotional discomfort extremely quickly. They may still feel bad (or not), but they don't have that panicky jittery trapped feeling; it's a calm bad feeling.

  • Some people never get a chance to learn how to cope effectively.
    One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation. They were taught at any early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed. In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings. At the same time, they had no good role models for coping. You can't learn to cope effectively with distress unless you grow up around people who are coping effectively with distress. Although a history of abuse is common about self-injurers, not everyone who self-injures was abused. Sometimes invalidation and lack of role models for coping are enough, especially if the person's brain chemistry has already primed them for choosing this sort of coping.

  • Problems with neurotransmitters may play a role.
    Just as it's suspected that the way the brain uses serotonin may play a role in depression, so scientists think that problems in the serotonin system may predispose some people to self-injury by making them tend to be more aggressive and impulsive than most people. This tendency toward impulsive aggression, combined with a belief that their feelings are bad or wrong, can lead to the aggression being turned on the self. Of course, once this happens, the person harming himself learns that self-injury reduces his level of distress, and the cycle begins. Some researchers theorize that a desire to release endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, is involved.

What kinds of people self-injure?

Self-injurers come from all walks of life and all economic brackets. People who harm themselves can be male or female; straight, gay, or bisexual; Ph.D.s or high-school dropouts or high-school students; rich or poor; from any country in the world. Some people who self-injure manage to function effectively in demanding jobs; they are teachers, therapists, medical professionals, lawyers, professors, engineers. Some are on disability. Their ages range from early teens to early 60s.

In fact, the incidence of self-injury is about the same as that of eating disorders, but because it's so highly stigmatized, most people hide their scars, burns, and bruises carefully. They also have excuses ready when someone asks about the scars.

Aren't people who would deliberately cut or burn themselves psychotic?

No more than people who drown their sorrows in a bottle of vodka are. It's a coping mechanism, just not one that's as understandable to most people or as accepted by society as alcoholism, drug abuse, overeating, anorexia and bulimia, workaholism, smoking cigarettes, and other forms of problem avoidance.

Okay, then isn't it just another way to describe a failed suicide attempt?

NO. Self-injury is a maladaptive coping mechanism, a way to stay alive. People who inflict physical harm on themselves are often doing it in an attempt to maintain psychological integrity -- it's a way to keep from killing themselves. They release unbearable feelings and pressures through self-harm, and that eases their urge toward suicide. And, although some people who self-injure do later attempt suicide, they almost always use a method different from their preferred method of self-harm.

What problems may be encountered when getting professional help?

Self-injury brings out many uncomfortable feelings in people who don't do it: revulsion, anger, fear, and distaste, to name a few. If a medical professional is unable to cope with her own feelings about self-harm, then she has an obligation to herself and to her client to find a practitioner willing to do this work. In addition, she has the responsibility to be certain the client understands that the referral is due to her own inability to deal with self-injury and not to any inadequacies in the client.

People who self-injure do generally do so because of an internal dynamic, and not in order to annoy, anger or irritate others. Their self-injury is a behavioral response to an emotional state, and is usually not done in order to frustrate caretakers.

What problems may be encountered in the emergency room?

In emergency rooms, people with self-inflicted wounds are often told directly and indirectly, that they are not as deserving of care as someone who has an accidental injury. They are treated badly by the same doctors who would not hesitate to do everything possible to preserve the life of an overweight, sedentary heart-attack patient.

Doctors in emergency rooms and urgent-care clinics should be sensitive to the needs of patients who come in to have self-inflicted wounds treated. If the patient is calm, denies suicidal intent, and has a history of self-inflicted violence, the doctor should treat the wounds as they would treat non-self-inflicted injuries. Refusing to give anesthesia for stitches, making disparaging remarks, and treating the patient as an inconvenient nuisance simply further the feelings of invalidation and unworthiness the self-injurer already feels.

Although offering mental-health follow-up services is appropriate, psychological evaluations with an eye toward hospitalization should be avoided in the emergency room unless the person is clearly a danger to his/her own life or to others. In places where people know that self-inflicted injuries are liable to lead to mistreatment and lengthy psychological evaluations, they are much less likely to seek medical attention for their wounds and thus are at a higher risk for wound infections and other complications.

Can anything be done for people who hurt themselves?

Yes. Several websites offer self-help ideas. Many new therapeutic approaches have been and are being developed to help self-harmers learn new coping mechanisms and teach them how to start using those techniques instead of self-injury. These approaches reflect a growing belief among mental-health workers that once a client's patterns of self-inflicted violence stabilize, real work can be done on the problems and issues underlying the self-injury. Also, research into medications that stabilize mood, ease depression, and calm anxiety is being done; some of these drugs may help reduce the urge to self-harm.

This does not mean that individuals should be coerced into stopping self-injury. Any attempts to reduce or control the amount of self-harm a person does should be based on the person's willingness to undertake the difficult work of controlling and/or stopping self-injury. Treatment should not be based on a practitioner's personal feelings about the practice of self-harm.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Not Sure What to Make of This One

i went to Oahu for the past couple days and when i came home tonight my mother referred to me as the "Prodigal child"

Luke 15:11-24

11 ¶ And he said, A certain man had two sons:
12 And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of agoods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.
13 And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there awasted his bsubstance with criotous living.
14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.
15 And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.
16 And he awould fain have filled his belly with the bhusks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.
17 And when he acame to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!
18 I will aarise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have bsinned against heaven, and before thee,
19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.
20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had acompassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.
21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more aworthy to be called thy bson.
22 But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:
23 And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:
24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

I'm not sure how to take this one......is she jsut happy i'm home? or did the sarcastic tone she said it with indicate that she thinks i'm fucking up?

Sunday, January 27, 2008

it's been a long time

so i used to have a big problem with self mutilation and/or self harm. the reason i mention both is because i've hurt myself without disfiguring my body. when i was in college in the ending of my freshman year i began cutting. i had cut a little in high school but not till spring term of 2004 did i really start cutting bad. it was to the point where i had a ritual. i have tons maybe hundreds of little scars on my left arm. (which i want to cover with a half sleeve tattoo but that is a whole other thing i am trying to convince myself NOT to do.) there are a few that are obvious but most you won't see unless you look closely. i know that they are there and i see them plain as day. this part of my i understand much better than my SSA (Same Sex Attraction. i just realized that i never said what that was.) there are many things that can possibly drive people to hurt them selves but the one that i identify most with is the issue of being in control. the cutter sees the act as something that they are omnipotent over. they can say when it starts and when it stops and how longs it will last and what it will be done with and how fast it will be done and where.
i wanted to cut today. i have not cut in years and today that didn't matter. i was going to throw all that time away because i couldn't cope. there are many things that are in my head right now and they all just seemed to be demanding my attention today.

i'm trying to save money but can't seem to get ahead
i want to see my girlfriend but don't realy have extra money to go see her
i'm trying to go back to counseling through my branch president so i don't fully crack and i can't even get a contact number
i'm struggling with my spirituality
my few friendships here on maui are becoming difficult
i feel like there is a huge gap between me and my parents now that they know i'm bi
i am struggling to find a better job and i feel like i am totally wasting my degree.
i'm supposed to teach fourth sundays but can't even take the sacrament right now
i've never gotten the lesson to teach more than like 5 days in advance and got tomorrow's lesson 2 days ago
i've become depressed since coming home and have gained 20 lbs and am not happy with my body.(but who is right?)
i have no friends here that i hang out with outside of work and anything that i do i usually do alone.


so yeah there are some things that were on my mind to day. i felt like they were all just swirling together in my head and there was little i could do to change it. i felt like things were out of control so i thought about cutting. i've not felt this bad in a long ass time. it was scary. the worst part was that i was at work and had to talk to the tourist. i have never been so grateful for all the stupid questions. at least i didn't have to think to hard.

main thing is i didn't. i sat in my room and just cried.
so i've found an article that explains the difference between why guys experience SSA and why girls do.

While many of the developmental problems associated with SSA and homosexuality are similar in both men and women, the actual sexual dynamics are not. Their issues separate when sexual motivations and desires begin to become a part of interpersonal relationships (usually around puberty.) Expression of sexuality is determined by the basic differences in the sexual drives of men and women. Males who struggle with SSA are generally motivated and attracted by physical attributes and/or immediate excitement and physical gratification. Women, on the other hand, are usually attracted by a need to nurture or be nurtured. Women can become involved in a relationship, in which SSA becomes apparent, when she perceives an unfulfilled need in another woman, or sees another woman as someone who can fulfill her own needs for nurturing. (http://evergreeninternational.org/female_ssa.htm)


this is so terribly true for me. many of the girls i have been attracted to have a need that i feel i can fill. it's like i understand a major part of their lives that most people just don't get or that i think i can treat them better than the significant other before me. or because i'm more masculine that i can be chivalrous or something like that.

there is something that comes to mind that i have felt i was deprived of and have found in my "girlfriends" growing up my family was and still isn't very touchy feely. in fact they are not at all. sometimes i would just hug my mom and she would think that there was something i wanted. or i would hug my dad and he would ask me what's wrong. i used to have a HUGE personal bubble before going to college. and it was quickly broken down by my circle of friends that i found there. coming home was always hard after a while because i wouldn't have a whole lot of physical touch like i was used to.

it's not that it was that a girl would be physically close to me that would start the attraction but that girls just seem like the only ones that would be. i always manage to be "the friend" when it came to guys. no guy wants a girlfriend that is "one of the boys" .....

the physical part is not the only "need" i would fill with my attraction to girls. this next thing is much more important to me than anything physical. i have fully been attracted to girls that have not become physically comfortable with me. i like to talk about things in depth and analyze things to a ridiculous level sometimes and i rarely find guys that i can really connect to on that level that aren't 1. gay or 2. taken. and if they aren't gay or taken i manage to become the friend... and then they call me to help change a tire or to borrow a pair of pliers.

i've become disinterested in girls because of the lack of my kind of conversation too.

Monday, January 21, 2008

origins

so this will be the idk what number blog i've started but here i go.

i recently came out to my parents about being bisexual. i don't know how i really feel about it just yet, and i am in the process of doing a little research about SSA and homosexuality and how it relates to me and my current place in life. blah blah blah in short i'm trying to understand myself. SSA and homosexuality is not the only thing i'l talk about here. there are a number of other things that i am going through or have gone through and more than likely i'll talk about too. all i ask is that you don't judge me.